Awhile ago, before I met Jay (or during one of the 8,393 times we were broken up), two of my single girlfriends and I were discussing the merits of dating the formerly fat and how fabulous it is. Overall, the formerly fat tend to try harder at life because they’re not used to skating through situations on good looks, and they develop good personalities due to years of mocking and only having one’s parents as friends.
If you have never visited this pitiful ode to a dysfunctional relationship before you might not know that Jay, my better/worse/more sarcastic half used to be fat. Real fat.
Anyways. He was a really cute fat kid.
That night, after 14 glasses of boxed wine each, my friend complained that she wanted a formerly fat boyfriend and was unsure how to go about finding one. The conversation went something like this:
Friend 1: What, do I just go and say, um, hi, did you ever have body issues and/or were you fat?
Friend 2: Well, at least you’d know. Just talk about childhood really quickly.
Friend 1: And then what? What if he looks like Jared from Subway naked?
Friend 2: Trust me, it won’t matter. The formerly fat are fabulous in bed.
Sweeping generalizations are fun, aren’t they?
I tend to agree with most of the things we discussed that night, minus the in bed part because Jay and I don’t have sex. If you saw him naked you’d understand.
To that point, the first time I met Jay’s comic friend Jon, the very first thing he said to me was “Oh, you’re real! Um…how disappointed were you….you know…when you first saw Jay naked?”
But that’s not the point. There are many merits to dating a formerly fat person, according to various sources and I will outline them for you below:
- They try harder in bed. Way harder. This is likely because if they do get to have sex they go all out because they aren’t sure it’ll ever happen again.
- Manboobs – endless hours of entertainment and jokes. Jay has the chest of an early-blooming 12 year old girl and has no problem showing it to the neighbors.
- They never tell you you look fat even if you do. They know what it feels like.
- Vegetables – they eat them! This is particularly good for cooking-sluts like me. Yep, I said it. I have an addiction. To all kinds of food.
- Any other food – they eat that too! They used to be fat for a reason, folks. Feed them and they will be happy. And they will love you. And then you will be happy.
- Humor – enough said. Laughter is good for relationships.
- Low self esteem is easy to manipulate – need your ceiling fan cleaned? Need something from the store? Need your dog washed? Need a new car? No problem.
- Talking about feelings – it has been said that people with eating issues eat their feelings. Interestingly, I find that they usually eat everything but their feelings and are willing to talk about feelings all the time. This is preferable to a man who hides behind big muscles and trucks. When one has no muscles one has nothing to hide behind.
- Nicknames are fun! Doughboy, fatty, moobs….all enjoyable, especially when coupled with #6.
- The sex thing. Seriously.
Single girls (or men, for that matter), do yourself a favor: find out early if someone used to be fat, and give that person lots of chances. You won’t regret spending lots of time taking advantage of someone.
I only mean about 30% of this. Ok, 50%. Ok 80%.
Love and mutual respect,