The definition of torture is considered to be “The action or practice of inflicting severe pain on someone as a punishment, or in order to force them to do or say something.” Lindsay sometimes uses this technique to test the boundaries of my love, patience, and tolerance. No, she isn’t pulling my fingernails out with a rusty pair of pliers, or smashing my toes with a sledgehammer, but she has assaulted my ears and eyes with some of the worst music and movie selections that I have ever been subjected to. If we cook dinner at her house, we listen to Broadway musicals like Rent (it’s like giving my ears AIDS). Or if it’s not a gay themed show-tune, it could quite easily be a religious ditty, or some mainstream pop-rock song currently on rotation at your local FM station. If we are cuddled up on the sofa and want to watch a movie, she could go either way. Lindsay loves awesomely bad actions films like “Bad Boys II” and “Face-Off” (and that is one of the things I love about her!), but then just last week she suggested we watch “Diary of a Wimpy Kid.” Snuff films have better character development and plot line. However, the important part is not how much I hate it, but how much she enjoys it. Who am I to sh*t all over her personal taste in music and movies no matter how horrible I find it? That’s not really that big of a deal. The thing I noticed while trashing her taste in music and film, is that we have a lot of things in common that I don’t hate. Those things are things most guys HATE!
I’ve listed below the activities that she loves and I love, which also make me seem slightly gay. I’m cool with it.
The Farmer’s Market: We woke up last Saturday morning and went to the farmer’s market and it was great. I fit in perfectly with all of the other bag toting penises that were being dragged around Main St. by their ladies…except I was loving it! Some of these men were dead in the eyes from too many early mornings at the farmer’s market, but I was happy to be smelling peppers, eating cherry tomatoes and sampling homemade baked goods. You’ve had a bad childhood if you can’t sip on a nice cup of Joe and eat a homemade cookie in the early morning hours, and enjoy holding your girlfriend’s purse while she examines okra. I loved every minute. After the cookies we ate cheese! That’s a damn good morning. Plus, I love how all of the hippie, down to earth people are selling their way of life back to the straight-laced, rich folk in town that can afford to eat organic, but hate the Grateful Dead and don’t trust a person with dreadlocks.
Food Network: Lindsay loves the Food Network. It’s about the only channel she watches. As a formerly fat child and current recovering fat adult I love this. It’s basically food porn and I love watching a chicken being bathed in butter and fried to a crisp. Oh god…it moved. Just thinking about fried chicken made IT move (that’s a dick joke, in case you didn’t get it people). Like two old maids sitting in the nursing home watching Iron Chef, I’ve frequently step outside myself and witness me saying things like, “I wonder if that sauce is a hollandaise or a beurre blanc”, or “Oh my gawd, I bet that would be a perfect thing to cook at your parent’s house next weekend!” (then we high five each other) Seriously, I make no attempt to promote the fact that I am a heterosexual male.
Cooking: Lindsay is a much better cook than I am. This automatically makes me her sous chef. Like a toddler chasing his mother’s apron, I too follow her every move and await instruction on how to appropriately chop, slice, or dice the next vegetable to cross her cutting board. Really, my only complaint is that sometimes I don’t have enough to do, but then again…she does have ESPN & HBO so sometimes I do willfully sit on the sidelines. I’d say the funnest/gayest thing we’ve done (besides the time we had Broadway Costume sex – kidding) is the time we played Iron Chef. I went to the store, bought random groceries and then she had to cook dinner with what I bought. It was so much fun. Seriously, if you’re a couple that likes to cook…have your own Iron Chef night. You won’t want to tell anyone about it for fear of mockery, but it’ll still be fun.
Yoga: There is nothing more uncomfortable than being in a 110 degree room and exercising. However, that pain is eased when you realize that there is a huge mirror in the front of the room and you get to stare at a bunch of hot women (my girlfriend included). Plus, it’s good for you. You get your shakras aligned and you feel good about yourself. I come for the hot ass, but I stay for the health benefits.
We share a lot more activities such as walking, breathing and a deep love of dogs, but I’m tired of writing and need to take my dog for a walk around the block. But seriously, never watch “Diary of A Wimpy Kid”. That movie sucks. But if you ever get a chance to listen to the A Capella group “Tone Cold Handsome”. They are REALLY super duper!