Easley, South Carolina is one of the worst spots on the face of the Earth. I have to drive through this small town a few times a week since it’s in between my house and Lindsay’s. It is the thick, brown skid mark in the beautiful pristine white underwear of the Upstate of South Carolina. As far as the lazy eye can see there is nothing but buffet restaurants, car dealerships, fast food chains, strip malls and bad drivers with poor dental work. Driving through that waste of beautiful country is a real patience tester. Without fail I always get stuck behind some Gomer Pyle look-a-like that is driving 15 miles an hour below the speed limit in the fast lane.
Just this week I was wedged in behind some redneck, Breaking Bad extra look-a-like in a mid 1990’s rust-bucket Buick. So, being the good citizen/asshole that I am I started to flash my lights at the guy. You know, a respectful and silent reminder to the guy to move his busted automobile into the right lane where he can putter along in peace. I didn’t think my light flashing was going to be received well, because criticism hardly ever is. This guy SLOWED down even more! And then as I cut off someone in the right lane to finally pass this doucher, guess what? He speeds up! Ah, I wanted to throw fire on his car and punch him in his throat. This is the worst type of person in the world: poor and stupid. He wants to pick on me because I drive a 1994 Lincoln Towncar luxury automobile. I’m sorry I worked for my fancy things buddy (the most Republican thing I’ll ever jokingly type)!!! He’s clearly on his way to a meth lab and he’s preventing me from getting to my job on time because he’s busy smoking in his car and trying to get a close look at the Greenville-Pickens Speedway. “That’s where Dale Jr drove one time!” Why would anyone in Easley be in a hurry? You can’t out run diabetes, rickets, and low standardize test scores. It truly is a scary place.
I guess that’s why it should come as no surprise that this small, shitbox of a town has not one, not two, not three, but FOUR “Haunted” Houses for the upcoming Halloween Season! That’s right…Easley is officially a “ghost” town.
Just imagine how scary can these “haunted” houses could be? I mean we’ve all seen a chainsaw killer have his face eaten off by a zombie. I’d like to see the actual “horror” in your average Easley house. I mean really put together something frightening that will scare the kids of Easley towards a brighter tomorrow. Kind of like a live public service announcement of the “haunted” house flavor. Instead of killers, ghosts and goblins you could show a low-income family that should have used birth control, watching “American Chopper” as they ignore their children’s screams and inhale fried snack foods while wiping their hands on the armrest of their sofa. In another room you can show them having dinner and bickering at the local Golden Coral Buffet over whose stretch marks are the deepest and whose teeth have the darkest stains. They draw straws to see who gets to go to the dentist, and the final room just shows Daddy bloated and dead from passing out drunk in a baby pool after several rounds of whippets and a carton of Doral Lights. Now that’s scary! No kid wants to end up in that scenario.
If the children are our future, I say we show them that reality is A LOT scarier than killers, ghosts and goblins. Perhaps the last room in the “haunted” house could be a room of hope. Just a family sitting around the dinner table talking about what the kids learned at school today, or instilling decent morals through a heartfelt story of yesteryear. However, mom would have a mysterious black eye. Or as people in Easley call it, “an Opinion Mark”.
Seriously, Easley would be a lot better if their citizens would just learn how to drive well. I’m pretty sure that’s where all of my hatred stems. The rest of these observations just make me feel better about my-chubby-quasi-educated-self.