Last week Lindsay and I took on the daunting task of hiking up one of South Carolina’s most beautiful and iconic sites: Table Rock. It had been years since my last summit of the rock, and I was really looking forward to our adventure to the top. According to the trail guide, it is a “strenuous” walk in the woods, and I decided that it would be best if Lindsay did not know this information. Ignorance is bliss especially if you’re expecting a lovely, low energy nature hike.
In preparation for our wilderness excursion, Lindsay made some kick-ass tuna salad (click the link for what I consider to be the best tuna salad ever). In addition to our tuna salad sandwiches we had some pears, cashew nuts, and peanut M&M’s. We rolled out at 9:45 in the AM and were off on our adventure. On our drive up to the mountain, I came to a realization that some of South Carolina’s most beautiful sites are littered with some of the worst people. We stopped at a roadside produce stand and before we even pulled in I start in on making fun of these people. I know, it’s not right for me to judge people and pass judgment on how they live, but it’s SO MUCH FUN!!! I start doing my best redneck voice and firing off lines like, “I wish my cousin wasn’t so gosh darn attractive, because I’d love to get me some of that”, “Why you done got all yo teeth, boy?” and the one that rang eerily true, “We ain’t got the internet up here cause the government’ll steal from you and spy on ya when you lookin’ at militia websites!”
Before walking into the produce stand, we were greeted outside where we asked, “Do y’all take credit cards?” The toothless mouth produced the answer of,
“Well, Darryl use-ta have a machine in here, but we figure that it’s better not ta have one cause they government can just sneak in and take all ya money and you’d never know it.”
We got to the trailhead where we were unfortunately greeted by what appeared to be Insane Clown Posse fans/line cooks at a McDonalds. These people had stretched out holes in their ears and unattractive arm tattoos, but more importantly they were cursing out loud around children. That’s always a clear indicator of a quality piece of shit human being. We checked in and signed the hiker registration just in case we both got our arms lodged in between rocks so we wouldn’t have to cut our arms off. The trail was straight up hill and is intimidating from the word “Go”. We got about a half-mile into the hike and that is when Lindsay asked, “Is it all like this? Is it all this steep?” to which I responded, “No, it actually gets a lot steeper.”
Lindsay’s note: This is a LIE. Jay said it got super flat on the “ridgeline,” without knowing/remembering/divulging that the ridgeline comes after 3 more miles of straight uphill climbing.
We kept plugging away at the trail. It twists, turns, and has tons of switchbacks through amazing boulder fields. It makes you feel very small, which is one of the reasons I love going into nature. We stopped a few times as we headed up the mountain for some water and photo opportunities, but all in all we made damn good time. We made it all the way up and down in under 3 hours. That’s a 7.2 mile hike over rough terrain, and I’m super proud of my little blond bombshell for being an awesome hiking partner. I can’t wait to get back into the woods with my lady. Y’all check out some of the amazing photos that we snapped along the way, and hike Table Rock the next time you’re in the area! You’ll just love it.