There is something to be said for aging gracefully. There are few things more depressing than encountering an older person that is grasping white-knuckled to the past, refusing to embrace the fact that they have grey hair and crows feet. This fact is especially magnified with women. Just because you shop at Forever 21 it doesn’t actually make you forever 21.
These people are normally either very poor or very wealthy. If you’re poor sometimes you have no choice but to wear your children’s clothes, and if you’re wealthy then chances are you’re stupid enough to wear anything your personal shopper brings home no matter how many times the word “Juicy” is written across the ass. You’re also more likely to see these delusional people if they’re super skinny, or super fat. Last week while at Target I saw a woman who was Darfur-skinny thanks to a steady diet of Marlboros and Meth (I’m speculating off her teeth alone), and she was sporting a pink, mid-drift showing tank top that said “Famous” in glitter. I’m going to go out on a limb and say she is likely famous for giving prison blowjobs or scaring men gay.
On the flip side, just last night Lindsay and I were eating sushi and the woman at the table next to me looked like a problem that money couldn’t solve. Her Spanx looked like the levees of New Orleans and the mighty Mississippi of her gut was about to break on through. She was wearing expensive clothes, lots of jewelry and make-up, and her face appeared to be in some sort of centrifuge that pulled her skin to the back of her head. I do not understand this desperate attempt to stay young. You’re old and you’re not fooling anyone but the blind.
Me, I can’t wait to get old. I’m already bald, so the gray hair around my temples will give me a look of wisdom, even though I am severely stupid.
I still giggle at public wind-breaking and sing the “Diarrhea Song” (When you’re sliding into first and you feel something burst…) when bored. But that grey hair will mask all immaturity. I’m also going to start wearing suits. If you wear a suit you can get away with anything! Just look at the crooks on Wall Street and in Congress. There is a reason those a-holes wear suits everyday. Makes you look like you know what you’re talking about. Those douchebags would be in prison right now if they had on flip-flops and board shorts with a Kenny Chesney 2010 Summer Concert T-Shirt. If I add a pocket watch to the mix, then I’ll be hailed as the Wisest Man in my neighborhood. I couldn’t be the wisest man in my neighborhood if I still had on my Nirvana t-shirt, cargo shorts, and pull bong hits while I sit in a baby pool in my backyard. No one goes to that guy for advice. I think I’ve figured it out. You put a suit on, keep your grey hair, sport glasses and somehow no matter what station you are at in life, people will respect you if they do not know you.
I just don’t want to end up being that dad/old man that wears “mom jeans” and tucks my golf shirt into my pants, wears loafers without socks and talks about yard work. I hope to keep reading books and associate myself with a crowd of people smarter than myself. However, I’m lazy and do enjoy dumb stuff. I could be just as happy drinking Miller Highlife and playing with fireworks. As long as I never go out in public in a shiny pink midrift top (check this out for why that never should happen), I’ll probably be ok.