Earlier this week Lindsay and I went out to eat sushi with another couple. We had a great evening of food, booze, and conversation. It was an all around normal outing until I decided to go to the restroom. That is when I walked in on an attractive woman peeing in the men’s room. The range of emotions I felt was amazing. Let me break it down for you.

I had to pee pretty badly and due to recent bathroom mishaps, I wanted to get in there quick and take care of business. So, I opened the door quickly and that’s when I locked eyes with a very attractive woman peeing. She was in full on pee mode too. She wasn’t hovering, she was sitting down, which was odd because it was the men’s room. She squealed, “Oooooh, I’m sorry!” and I tried to avert my eyes from her gaze and not see anything (even though I did…nice!) and I said, “I’m so sorry.” I quickly shut the door and just felt dirty. I don’t like seeing women peeing. I mean, I can handle seeing Lindsay pee, but I’m not some weirdo with a piss fetish. It’s just gross and not attractive at all. I ran back to the table and relayed the story to everyone and sat in fear of the girl walking back through the restaurant. I didn’t want to have that awkward nod to a stranger that says, “I just saw you peeing and you have lovely thighs and I think you shaved…wink.”

But what woman pees in the men’s room? I think it’s the uppity attractive woman that can’t wait on anything in her life. There wasn’t even a line for the ladies room. She was just selfish. I shouldn’t feel bad for even walking in on her, but I did. And I apologized for it. I was so embarrassed that I couldn’t go back to the bathroom. I was willing to hold it until I got home to avoid facing that woman again.

 

When girls pee they kind of look helpless. I know I look helpless sitting on the can, but it’s not a sensitive type of look. It’s a sad, pasty, chubby type of helplessness. A woman is soft and sexy, so it robs her of that natural beauty. I mean I think she was peeing, but she was actually sitting on the toilet. I can even bear to think how badly I would have felt if I’d heard a fart. If she’d been squeezing off a Stink Rocket I would have died. Now that I think of it…I bet she was going Number 2.

The question is: Who doesn’t lock the G-D door? What type of exhibitionist likes to roll the dice and make a boom-boom (yes, I’ve changed my mind and have settled on the fact that she was definitely taking a sh*t) with the door unlocked? Something bad has happened in your life where you get your jollies from publicly pooping. When I’m forced to use a public restroom, I lock that mothertrucker down like it’s Fort Knox. It would take a battery ram to see my pale ass sitting on a filthy public toilet. I mean, I’m already worried someone is going to recognize my shoes upon exiting the facility and make fun of me. “Hey there are the hiking boots that made the men’s room smell like burnt hair and a sweaty belly-button.” I would have to move if that happened.