I have been cleaning out my apartment, because in two short weeks I will be a big-time College Graduate! Yes, you read correctly. I will be the proud owner of a very expensive piece of paper that unfortunately has not garnished me a job to pay for that piece of paper. Life’s funny…LOLOLOL!!!
In preparing my house for my collegiate exodus I stumbled up my old comedy writings. If I ever doubted why I got out of comedy, then please allow me to share some of the worst joke premises any comedian has every thought up. Here we go…prepare to not laugh, and more than likely be offended!
- Trying to guess how much your parents love you based on the number of pictures of you versus the other kids in the family in the house.
- Why does my poop change colors?
- I’ve gotten plenty of massages and no one has ever offered a “happy ending.” I think I might be ugly.
- I was talking to an Asian girl, and she showed me pictures of her sister and I said, “Oh you guys have the same eyes.” I didn’t mean it as racist, but that’s how it was taken.
- Saw a guy in a wheelchair carrying groceries in his mouth. I’m pretty sure I’d starve to death.
- Goats that pass out when scared…that’s crazy!!!
- Couples that sit on the same side of the booth when eating out.
- NBC’s “Biggest Loser” – if they actually cared about the contestants, then they wouldn’t make them show their saggy man tits to America.
- I work out just to remain f**kable. I could die tomorrow, I just want to look halfway decent.
- Never adopt a dog and then joke about how he’s not a good dog fighter when the ASPCA lady calls to check on you.
- You know you’re poor when your family gives you a trip to the dentist for your birthday.
- Coors Beer use to be so good that it was the entire plot of Smokey & The Bandit. “Honey, did you see the fridge…they’ve got Coors!”
- Nipple tattoos.
- I went to dinner at a gay couples house. It was so nice that it made me think: I’d go gay for a mansion.
- Dog boners have cool nicknames: Red Rocket, Lipstick. I wish my boners had better nicknames.
- I love farting at concerts. You can really let loose and no one can hear you, and then you get to act just as offended as everyone around you.
- When I was little and went camping the only thing my mom said was, “Don’t get raped.”
- I have a laptop just for porn and I’m pretty sure it has Computer AIDS
- Is it gay to admire a man’s tits if they’re really nice?
And the worst one….
The Racist Homosexual Bartender Character: “Hey DaMontize and Jamal, would y’all brothers like another watermelon martini?”
Ok, so there you have it. There is all the proof you need to know that many a night I didn’t hear a lot of laughs echoing in the room. Sometimes those things got laughs, but more often then not they did not. I hope you laughed at them. Just please know that I’m not a racist, homophobe, freak, molester of animals, or just a general weirdo that should be shunned from society. I’m trying to be normal, but I’ve recently started to keep track of my thoughts again.
Who knows…I might start back telling jokes on stage from time to time. I don’t want to make a living doing it, but it is really fun to make an entire room of strangers feel uncomfortable in their own skin.