What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It’s Christmas, Eve!
I’ve recently been catching myself getting older. It is an odd thing to witness. I’m not talking about waking up in the morning to find a new wrinkle, or that another acre of hair has gone missing from my head. I’m talking about the cheesy notion of, “I’m Turning Into My Dad!” I’m comfortable taking on more responsibility in my life, settling into a career and have even started to think about what it would be like to be a father. Who wouldn’t like to have a 401K and a little person to mow the lawn/perfect match for a new liver when mine craps out from the stress of having to provide for said lawn mower? Those are all aspects of growing up and maturing that I find to be comforting, and a clear indicator that I do not have terminal Peter Pan Syndrome. I’m talking about the moments when you suddenly are snapped out of your pseudo-hip reality and catch yourself yelling at a speeding car in your neighborhood. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve started to do this while I’m walking our dogs. I jump out of the road holding the dogs tightly and scream, “Where’s the fire as**ole!!!” It’s in those moments that I hope I am invisible. Because there is nothing more sad/funny than bald man in flannel pajama pants, holding two dogs while wearing flip-flops and yelling at some redneck in a pick-up truck. I of course wouldn’t know what to do if said redneck were to stop and challenge my opinion. Well, of course I know what I’d do…I’d run.
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife: “Listen, this guy’s an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.” If he wants s*x, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you.”
To which his wife responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!”
In this series, we give you very serious, applicable ideas for how to entertain yourself and those around you for no money. Today, in celebration of our 10,000th view, we’re giving you two ideas. Check out the first one here, and try both soon!
At a restaurant, take your time to sign your name on a credit card receipt. Remember each thing you’ve ever learned about handwriting and make this signature special.